Tuesday, August 28, 2012

answering some of your questions, while simultaneously posting random pictures of my cute kids

I have a lot on my mind.

Well let's be honest, I've had a lot on my mind for the past few months, but you would think now that I'm sorta settled into a house that my mind would finally start slowing down. Maybe it's just used to the need to constantly race and hasn't figured out that it's okay to shut off occasionally? I don't know, does this happen to anyone else?
In two more days, the first baby I ever had is going into Kindergarten. All of the sudden I understand why moms cry on that first day and I am terrified that I am going to be one of them! (No really, I am.) I used to think it was so silly, and now I am feeling nervous and scared and not wanting her to go. I honestly NEVER thought I would feel this way. I don't remember anyone ever telling me that they were scared for their kids to go to school. I'm not even exactly sure why I am scared. I can only think of a few things that make me nervous 1. kindergarten here is all day. I've heard mixed things about that, and I am really sort of sad to have Maddy gone for that long. I know I'm going to miss her. 2. I'm worried that somehow people will not take good care of her. I've never entrusted my child to a bunch of strangers before. It's sort of hard to let go! 3. I don't know whether to drive her all year (and knowing myself and how hard it is to get Grant and Maddy ready in the morning, that we will end up being late many times), or let her be bussed. She has to be driven the first few days at least because we registered so close to start time, but I am just unsure about this one.4. As Maddy's preschool teacher said, Maddy has a really tender heart. She is so so sweet and loving (with definitely a side of spunk), but she errs on the side of a sensitive soul and I am so protective of her. I want her to stay sweet as long as possible.
So there are all of my neurotic mom fears. I seriously had no idea I would feel any of this. I feel sort of crazy.

Also on my mind is doing a balancing act in terms of our finances. John's last job in Charleston found out that he was looking for another job right towards the end. He didn't do anything untoward. He never used company time to search for another job or interview, and he still got all of his work done, but his company was very upset that he was job-searching.  They pulled him into the office one day and pointe blank asked him whether he was job searching and he told them the truth. Even though they were upset, at that point they told him that he had done good work and they would keep him as long as he wanted to stay. We were nervous, but relieved after they made that decision. However, a few days later they decided they were too mad about it and let him go. John was devastated as were we all. He was let go on a Monday morning and he was made two job offers on Wednesday and Thursday of the same week which was a miracle. So it ended up being okay, but it still means that after all is said and done we will have been out of a paycheck for almost a month, which stacked upon moving expenses, getting rid of a house expenses, and getting a rental/eating/living in a hotel, well you can imagine how it has been. Our families have been enormously supportive and wonderful, but it has been stressful to the max.
We were both surprised by the decision his company made, and very saddened by it. We are hoping he will be able to stay with his current job for a really long time. p.s. he really likes it so far.

There have been so many changes in our family these past few months, and all that we are really craving at this point is to have some time to settle down into a peaceful, unremarkable, content life with our kids. We hope to have a period of calm and that we will feel like we are getting back on our feet in all aspects of our lives. These past few years have been a tumultuous time of moving, health issues, job issues, hard times spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally. What I am craving is for things to slow down, and to find a place where we can just be together--safe, content, and grateful.
So now you know a smidge more of the details. It's a bit more understandable why I've disappeared for a while, right? I couldn't bear to be on here blogging about the hard stuff and feel like a debbie downer, and I couldn't bear to blog about nonsense when I felt so burdened. I still feel so vulnerable and it is going to be hard to push the publish button. I guess we know where Maddy got her tendency to be sensitive. :)
as requested, here is a picture of the outside of the rental house

and here i am, being brave and posting a picture of the kitchen. it feels enormous to us, and we really like having an island. plus i have a little area that I call my baking area. so there you go friends.

We are still here and we are doing the best we can. And I feel proud of us.


Jodi & Chris Reeve said...

I have the same sort of brain, the one that NEVER shuts off. This is a blessing (cause I rarely forget anything), and a curse as it never stops! I wake up in the middle of the night with the next big idea or whatever.

I am glad you are proud of yourselves! That is some crazy stuff right there! Your new home looks beautiful and I hope it and the new job is all you wish for!

Love ya

luvnmy10 said...

I like this post. Life is up and life is down and mostly life is sailing along with slight variations. When we have the extreme altitude changes, it can be wonderful or rough. You are hopefully now in for a nice smooth section of the fun sailing part, having survived some lows. You are great, your kids adorable and I think John is a super good husband and dad. Maddy will do just fine in school and think of the fun she will have sitting at the table over cookies and milk sharing about her new friends and things she is learning. You will be involved in the school thing-PTA, room parties, etc. It will be all part of the new adventure.

ps i love your kitchen!!

Emily Foley said...

So your post made me cry. I feel you, sister. I do. You have had a really rough few years. My mind is constantly on these days, to the point that I can't sleep. This has never happened to me before. No matter what was going on, I could always sleep. Argh, this living business is not for the faint of heart.

I know how you feel about kindergarten. I once had a convo with Emilie about this very thing. Her husband thought that women cry on the first day of school because they're happy. NO. It's because they're terrified! What if there's a bully? What if they don't have enough time to eat and he's starving? So many worries. One way that helped me get over that (Isaac would never ever tell me about what was going on at school) was to volunteer in the classroom. Just an hour, one day a week, but it calmed me down so much. Being able to be in the room and see the classroom dynamic was so helpful for me. I even took the younger kids with me if I couldn't find a sitter, and later found another mom that was volunteering and we did a swap during those hours. Also, call the school because some schools will let you go and eat lunch with your kids. Just once or twice a month might help calm your nerves. Also, if she's a sensitive soul, she will stay sweet. Especially with good parents like you.

I am spitting mad about John's job. That is so unfair! Thank goodness he's marketable, because if that happened to my husband we would be seriously screwed. But we've had the same issue with finances--paying double rent in July and the deposit (and not getting our other deposit back) and school starting (school supplies, backpacks, clothes, shoes)...it was awful. We should not have taken that trip to Phoenix. Thank goodness for parents who helped us out of a jam. It's still constantly on both of our minds and the strain is unbearable. Some days I want to write to Bill Gates and just ask for $100,000. He'd never miss it and it would make such a different for us! Heh heh.

Your house is gorgeous. That humongous kitchen would be trouble to keep clean for me. But I covet it. It's beautiful! I hope you're loving it.

Thanks for sharing. You're a brave soul. And a great, great person. You really are. Don't ever think differently.

Sorry for the novel.

Dee in BC said...

I'm the same way. After a stressfull period it just takes a while before I can return to feeling calm... I can understand that things are okay intellectually but feeling it just doesn't happen right away. I must sound nasty but where we live in Canada kidergarten was 2 hours- it seemed you no sooner dropped them off & you had to turn around & get them ...& there was no choice about bussing. Parents get to drop off & pick up their kids which included standing outside the classroom door in the rain while the teacher dismissed the kids one by one. There was very limited parking & kids weren't allowed to walk to the parent's car anyway- I really wished for longer school days & a shortened school year- partly because my younger child was just a year old when the older one went to kindergarten & as we had no choice over whether school was morning or afternoon it really messed up lunch & naps ( we ended up being"selected" for afternoon- which started at noon) Getting a baby dressed in raingear ( so he could wait for dismissal in the rain-I didn't feel okay about leaving him in the car even if I could get a parking spot that I could see) and then undressed twice in less than a 2 hour period made me want to call my kindergartener in as sick :( -Sadly I think I was too harried to miss the little guy... I did miss the peacefullness of the previous year

RaeLynn said...

Totally normal feelings! Loved this post. I am craving some very unexciting things too. Unfortunately, I post dumb things on Facebook and do just the opposite! Hopefully someday I'll learn my lesson! Your rental is beautiful, by the way!

BexxT said...

Oh Jenn! I love you! And seriously poor management skills on the part of the old company. Who the heck thinks that an employee owes their employer anything? If they are like most employers, they underpay and over-work their people- this isn't the days of pensions and company loyalty because why would you bother? There is nothing in it for the employee anymore! So yeah, super bad form on John's old bosses part. They lost out on a great employee who would have trained up and helped the transition after he left.

On a happier note, love the kitchen and love that Maddy's starting school. I am 100% of no help on your questions and worries other than to say I second Emily Foley about becoming a class mum. You'd be a great at that :)

Missy said...

Oh Jen! I want life to be I uneventful for you too. It has been rough! Maddy will be just fine at school. I actually never felt sad when brinley started school...but we were in between moving so maybe thats why. She took the bus too and had one not so good experience but it was nice not to have to pick her up. Now i wish my kids could ride the bus so i dont have to figure out carpools! Here's to a new start!

Kurt & Rachel Keyser said...

I felt super guilty putting my 3 1/2 year old in all day every day preschool/Kindergarten when we moved to Japan...until she came home and LOVED it. She was making friends, doing crafts, etc. I'm sure you little one will love it too. :)

Kelly said...

Just such a great post!