Sunday, February 24, 2013

a mothery post that you can skip if you don't like feeling all warm and lovey inside

If you watched the video before reading the post, you may be wondering why in the world I'm posting a Backyardigans video. Sometimes I just have to post the soundtrack that goes along with my post. I just finished tucking Maddy in (we had late Sunday naps despite my best intentions to power through it) and the kids ended up staying up a bit later because of it. And in the end, it was okay.

 They are both tucked snug and cozy in their beds with full tummies and heads that have been patted and backs that have been rubbed and cheeks that have been kissed. After I tuck Madeline in at night our special thing is for me to put this Backyardigans song on before I leave. I sing the first couple of lines to her and then let the song play for her after I leave. It's sweet and cute and tonight it made me feel all sorts of emotional. Sometimes these tender moments of mothering pierce me straight to my heart and fill me up with melty fuzzy love-choked feelings. I feel like I can't hug them tight enough. I can't kiss their cheeks enough. I can't keep them small enough. The time seems to slip through my fingers and it seems like I haven't ever done enough to show those two little precious children that they are their dad's and my most darling treasures.

But tonight, I prayed that message got through. I whispered to Mads in the dim light, "You know Dad and I love you?" She nodded yes. "You know you're such a good girl?" She nodded yes. "You know that you will always be my squidge no matter what?" She started grinning with her eyes closed and nodded and she sleepily pulled her fuzzy pink blanket around her.

Sometimes it's easy for me to feel weighed down by the other things going on in my life (when I am going to be smarter than that??). Today I felt sorta sad about feeling like I don't have any friends here. I gave myself pep talks. I came up with strategies. I called my sister and told her that I don't know how to make friends anymore. But deep inside I knew it's all just times and seasons. I know that right now, with my precocious two year old, I don't have a lot of time to devote outside of these walls. I can still do my part to make friends, but as long as I am doing the best that I can do then there is no need to get too down about it. I have these two little people that depend on me so very much, and right now they are where that focus has been, and that's okay.

My sister told me that she sees all of the comments I get on my blog and other places and can tell that I still have good friends, they are just far away. She said she thinks how much my friends must care about me if they keep trying to keep in touch even from so far away. I realized that she is right. I am lucky. I don't have everything I wish for right now, but I still have people that care about me, and most of all, I have these moments of sweetness with my kids that show me in no uncertain terms that I am in the right place doing the right thing. I am a mother. I get it wrong so many times, but sometimes I am lucky enough to know that my kids feel my love like that fuzzy pink blanket wrapped around them. And that's enough to fill me to the top.

 Goodnight friends. love, jenn


luvnmy10 said...

Choked me up. I feel the same way. Tucking John in is often surreal, I am. Grandma, and have a VERY active busy 4 year old. I'm older and tired-er, and sometimes wonder if I love him enough or, don't judge me, at all. Some hours of the day fill me with despair, my house messy, laundry to deal with, John to handle,seminary lesson to prepare, meals to plan and execute, homework help for grumpy 12 year old, teen girl angst to devote time and energy to...Despair. The saving hope for me are those moments peppering my day of John giving a sincere proclamation of love, spontaneous and unprovoked, a 12 year old coming in with a good attitude about homework, teen girls' laughter. Little moments that give me hope. The sleepy face snuggling his blue blanket gives me the warm lovey feelings you describe. That gives me the courage to get up the next morning with resolve to do better, try a little bit harder. I think those feelings are tender mercies for me, hope that I am loved, too.

Emily Foley said...

I have so many of those same feelings, all the time, right down to the "I don't know how to make friends anymore" thing. Luckily the people here are so friendly and the weekly playgroup helped a lot.

I do not know how to communicate my love to my kids. Most of the time I think they think I'm mean and boring, but gosh, the aching love is overwhelming sometimes, isn't it?

jane said...

One of the things I appreciate most about what you write is your ability to express joy and love. It shines through, to your friends, and especially, to your darling children.
Hush. hush. goodnight.


Missy said...

Oh...I love this. This is how I feel too but can't put it into words like you can. I wish I would feel this way more and cherish these moments that we think will never go away or won't go away soon enuf. My kids mostly probably don't think I'm very fun and I do have a hard time showing it. It's rough and rewarding business this being a mom thing. :)

Kelly said...

I'm glad that for once the little sister said something that helped! Your awesome and I wish you lived closer! I'm pretty sure we could craft up a storm I need that I think. You know it's bad when you cry looking at a DIY blogger site! Lol. I need a makeover!