Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Slow Learner

So I am still walking on this path of regaining some balance. It's been a bit up and down this past week. I have had some absolutely amazing break-throughs, and some folks that have surprised me with their apparent inability to accept that I'm a human and thus entitled to occasionally utilize the word "no."

It becomes apparent to me as I go back and forth with attempting to make these big changes in my life that I am a slow learner. This is not the first time I've had so-called friends who have turned a bit shady the moment I can't be the person they want me to be. This usually is connected to what I can do for those people. It always catches me by surprise that people are actually like that in real life. The good news lately is that my slow learning is equating a greater acceptance and ability to move on when folks disappoint me. It's really pretty nice--letting go that is.

Another thing that happened this week: I chatted with someone I've only met once in real life and they gave me some of the best, most encouragingly warm advice. A few years ago I would have been too nervous to reach out and ask for that help. I'm a slow learner, but once I learn something, it settles in there deep. I got over my nerves, made the call, and had the great realization that there are SO many people that are good, that are accepting, that are rooting us on, hoping for the best for us, for those all around them. How grateful I am that the good in the world always outweighs the bad.

There will always be the poor souls out there that will become disenchanted with us. If our changes are for the proper reasons then I think there's no need to overly mourn the loss of those relationships. I know with absolute surety that my cutting back is to help my family. My little boy needs me. He simply does. If they could see what I see in the eyes of that little boy they would fight with me instead of fighting against me. They would see how a focused, less-stressed mother has changed the tenor of his days. They would see him sitting on my lap, giving me kisses again (and still occasionally wiping them off, he is three after all), and learning he has his mommy back.

There isn't much that I wouldn't do to grow my childrens' confidence. It seems to flicker and burn low so easily if I don't give it my careful attention. If I don't take the time to fan it and nurture it now, I 100% believe I can lose the chance forever.

I can't afford that. That is a price that is too dear.

So there you go, the deep lessons of a slow learner on a Wednesday night.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

the meltdown that may end up saving me

Holy toledo, I'm back.


Do you want the usual explanations for being absent? Life got crazy, I ran into someone's mailbox with the back of my minivan, I was in charge of a bunch of church gatherings, I drove all over kingdom come for carpool, Dr. Who wasn't going to watch himself, I'm writing a book (maybe), I put my kids into the same bedroom. Boring. SO So boring.

The fact of the matter is that all of those things did happen, and I was barely keeping my head above water. And today, when I was getting my kids ready for church and Grant yelled at me to leave him alone for the tenth time that day (because he only loves John on the weekends and he's trying to break my heart into five million little tiny pieces), I pushed everyone out of my room (because obviously they were all watching youtube videos on my computer) and had a good long cry. I cried and I prayed, and I realized that my life needs some balance. I need the time to sit back and process what is going on. I need the white space and the room the breathe. Things were going too fast, too hard, too long. And once I had finally had the melt-down that has been coming (on and off, with mini-crying sessions in between) for over a year, I finally quieted my mind enough to realize that no one could do the re-arranging and changing for me. Church and life and mothering would run me into the ground without a squeak if I didn't do it for myself.

So I made some changes, talked to some people, and I am already starting to the feel the weight lift off of me. It feels bad and guilt-inducing and failure-ish to say no.

 but it also feels to the moon and back again GOOD.

I can't promise that I'll be back all that often. But I sort of hope that I do. Because when I'm blogging, that also usually means that I'm thinking and processing. Which also means that I am in a very healthy place. A place where I trust the wide world enough to send out my silly little missives about mothering and wifeing and eating bagels. And if the world needs more of anything, it's of chubby mothers eating bagels loud and proud.

are you still with me, my dear, patient friends?