Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Slow Learner

So I am still walking on this path of regaining some balance. It's been a bit up and down this past week. I have had some absolutely amazing break-throughs, and some folks that have surprised me with their apparent inability to accept that I'm a human and thus entitled to occasionally utilize the word "no."

It becomes apparent to me as I go back and forth with attempting to make these big changes in my life that I am a slow learner. This is not the first time I've had so-called friends who have turned a bit shady the moment I can't be the person they want me to be. This usually is connected to what I can do for those people. It always catches me by surprise that people are actually like that in real life. The good news lately is that my slow learning is equating a greater acceptance and ability to move on when folks disappoint me. It's really pretty nice--letting go that is.

Another thing that happened this week: I chatted with someone I've only met once in real life and they gave me some of the best, most encouragingly warm advice. A few years ago I would have been too nervous to reach out and ask for that help. I'm a slow learner, but once I learn something, it settles in there deep. I got over my nerves, made the call, and had the great realization that there are SO many people that are good, that are accepting, that are rooting us on, hoping for the best for us, for those all around them. How grateful I am that the good in the world always outweighs the bad.

There will always be the poor souls out there that will become disenchanted with us. If our changes are for the proper reasons then I think there's no need to overly mourn the loss of those relationships. I know with absolute surety that my cutting back is to help my family. My little boy needs me. He simply does. If they could see what I see in the eyes of that little boy they would fight with me instead of fighting against me. They would see how a focused, less-stressed mother has changed the tenor of his days. They would see him sitting on my lap, giving me kisses again (and still occasionally wiping them off, he is three after all), and learning he has his mommy back.

There isn't much that I wouldn't do to grow my childrens' confidence. It seems to flicker and burn low so easily if I don't give it my careful attention. If I don't take the time to fan it and nurture it now, I 100% believe I can lose the chance forever.

I can't afford that. That is a price that is too dear.

So there you go, the deep lessons of a slow learner on a Wednesday night.


Jodi Reeve said...

You are a wonderful mom! Too many people are users and I know it's hard to say no, but if they can't handle that then they aren't true friends.

luvnmy10 said...

I know what you mean about finding good advice/words of wisdom often from one we hardly know. I have been dealing with, well, lets just say it...
"the change" and my hormones are so messed up, its like the wicked witch of the West's evil sister showed up and its me! Poor me and poor family! Any hoo, an Aunt just happened to pop in out of the blue, she's about 10years older than me. I just blurted out, can I talk to you about personal stuff. She ushered me away from the menfolk, (although my menfolk was probably thrilled I was seeking some help), and she did several things that were so welcome. 1: she reminded me that all I was feeling was normal, I was not evil, 2: she voiced feelings I was having but was embarrassed to say them, 3: reassured me that it would all, in fact, end, and I would be back to myself again. Wow, did I need that. I had never experienced such a dark place. Apparently the hormones changing in a woman's body can be an exaggerated version of post partum depression. Even if its only in 4 day increments, boy those 4 days are, well, Hell. So, I was so grateful for this sweet random out of the blue visit with my Aunt, and that i felt I could just open up and cry. It was the hug I needed. So, you go, sweet Jennifer, you are doing awesome. Grant is going to be great because you are his mom and you recognize his needs more than anyone else, and you are in tune enough to recognize your needs, too. I love, come to Disney, for heaven's sake!!

Emily Foley said...

I love love love that you say no. I've started doing that myself and it really is hard! I've always been a yes man (you know what I mean) and sometimes when I don't volunteer or say yes I feel super guilty. I've just been so busy lately that adding one more thing is too much! A girl in our ward who is moving today posted on facebook that she hadn't started packing on TUESDAY and needed some help. um, no. NONONONONONONONONO. I didn't even comment apologetically as I am wont to do in these situations, I just thought to myself "I have a busy week, and you're an IDIOT."

Anyway. I really admire you. You're a really good friend and I'm so glad you made that call. :)