Sunday, September 6, 2015

Blessing and a Curse











Here's my beef, folks. I'm over the perfection of the internet and the glossy spin people put on their lives. Listen, NO ONE loves a beautiful photo--composed to within its life--better than me. I based my whole blog name, Pretend Fancy, off the the fact that I love things that look fancy but really aren't. I love to put a positive spin on things. I love to laugh. I love to put a red and white checked towel under my pies and pretend I live in a farmhouse. We all know this to be true.
exhibit A
But I don't love when people condemn me for not being this way all of the time. When I am trying to communicate in a way that feels honest and open about some really hard months of my life. I think folks mean well. I actually do think they usually mean well. But...when we really sit there and think about it, do we mean well 100%, or are we just uncomfortable with reading about messy feelings, sadness, loneliness, anger, boredom, depression. We just want to wipe it up. Tell people to go "see someone" about that messiness. Most of us are fixers (even me, especially me) and loose ends in life, in someone else's life, is just one more thing that we don't have the emotional energy to wrap our heads around. But my friends, I didn't want to be fixed. 

I wanted to be heard.


I thought this little corner of the internet was safe, but that was really naive of course. I just *wanted* it to be a safe place. And if I deleted the comment section, I suppose it could be in a way, but only on the surface. And in doing so, I would miss out on all of the wonderful things that 98% of people say.   I'm trying. I am trying hard. But I've always had thin skin. My brother's teased me and got some spectacular responses. My friends talk to me, and I empathize the heck out of their sorrows. So you see, my thin skin, my nerdiness, my heart on my sleeve, my hurt at perceived betrayals, they are all two sides of the same character trait that I possess in spades--thin skin/open heart.

I can wish it away. Wish not to care about everyone. I often have done those very things. And I go in cycles where I harden myself and try not to care. But it all comes shambling down eventually. Because this is the heart that I have. And I love deep and hard. And it hurts deep and hard. I take things too personally and have done for my whole life. But I love just as fiercely and devotedly. Like that old saying goes," It's a blessing...and a curse."

2 comments:

Anne Lake said...

I LOVE those blue and white plates! And Maddie's sweater. You quite a stylish little girl, who is not so little any more :)

Anne Lake said...

Maddy! Sorry